The Boarding School Catalyst: When Doing Less Helps Your Teenager Achieve More

Navigating adolescence, letting go of Ivy League obsessions, and trusting the process of "self-correction"

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Hello everyone. In this final installment, I want to talk about raising teenagers and share some reflections on our parenting journey.

Looking back, the typical "teenage rebellion" in our household wasn't actually that severe. I don't know if time has just softened the painful memories, or if it really wasn't that big of a deal. There were definitely rough patches, but overall, it went pretty smoothly. I attribute this relatively peaceful adolescence to two main reasons.

01. Avoiding Teenage Rebellion: My "Strategic Inaction" and the Boarding School Hack

The first reason comes down to my personality.

When I was a teenager, I was the classic "refused to listen to anyone" type. I remember that phase vividly—I thought I was God, I knew everything, so why should I listen to you?

Knowing exactly how stubborn a teenager can be, I figured: why bother giving advice? It’s a complete waste of time. If they aren't going to listen, why speak? If you don't lecture them, there's no conflict. It's a very fundamental, peaceful mindset.

The second reason is pure luck.

If you look at the timeline, my kids hit their teenage years right during the pandemic when everyone was stuck doing online classes. During that time, we made the decision to send them to a boarding school in Switzerland.

Little did we know, this decision came with a massive by-product that benefited us immensely: once they were at boarding school, our conflicts vanished.

Why do parents and teenagers fight? Because you have to manage them. But at boarding school, I wasn't the one waking them up at dawn. I wasn't the one forcing them to go to class, making them do morning workouts, nagging them to eat their vegetables, or setting curfews and taking away their phones at night. All the authority—and the associated resentment—was transferred to the school.

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I got to happily take the backseat. Whenever we video-called and my kids complained about the school's ridiculous rules, I would just nod sympathetically through the screen: "You're absolutely right! It's totally the school's fault! No phones? Unbelievable, blame the school!"

You see, once you send your kids to boarding school, you gain a common enemy. You used to be the enemy; now, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? Our relationship actually improved significantly.

So, I consider us incredibly lucky. If you have the means, sending your kids to boarding school during their teenage years is genuinely a great option. For the kids, they get to hang out, eat, and chat with their friends every day—what's not to love? For the parents, doing what's "best for the kids" ends up being what's best for your own sanity. Plus, with modern travel, you still see them often during holidays.

02. Dropping the "Prestige Obsession": A Top University Doesn't Dictate Everything

Compared to most parents, my obsession with top-tier universities is extremely light. This stems from my own personal experience.

I was actually a top student back in the day. In my entire province, only two students got into the University of International Business and Economics (UIBE), and I was one of them. Back then, UIBE was highly prestigious, requiring scores comparable to Peking University or Tsinghua.

But once I got to college, I didn't study hard at all. The main reason was that I was broke, so I spent a massive amount of time making money. I completely failed to utilize the university's academic resources.

One day, I was chatting with my roommate, a brilliant student, and I realized that the full academic scholarship he received was exactly the same amount of money I had exhausted myself earning! I thought, If I had known, I would have just studied hard and taken the scholarship—isn't that the same as making money?

But you never know how life experiences will ultimately shape you. I am quite happy with who I am today. Despite my many flaws, I like myself. Looking back, the actual help I got from attending a top-tier university was limited. Knowing this, why should I force my kids to pay a massive price just to get into a prestigious school?

I've had very open conversations with my kids about this.

-Child: "Do you want me to go to a top university?"

-Me: "Of course I do."

-Child: "What if I can't get in?"

-Me: "If you can't get in, we can look at Hong Kong University. HKU is ranked very high."

-Child: "HKU is really hard to get into."

-Me: "Then you can go to another university in Hong Kong SAR. There are eight universities there, just pick one. If that doesn't work out, since you have overseas Chinese student status and native-level English, getting into Peking University or Tsinghua is relatively easier; you might even get direct admission. Just go there. If all else fails, there are tier-two colleges with much lower thresholds, you can definitely get into one of those."

-Child: "What if, in the absolute worst case, I don't get into any college?"

-Me: "If you have no school to attend, then take your hobbies and use them to make a living in the real world."

They both have native-level English, so they could easily be English tutors. They are great at sports, so they could become coaches. In the age of AI, manual and physical skills don't come with AI anxiety, right? You can teach people to play golf, surf, ski, play basketball, or rugby. With strong athletic skills, being a coach is a great path.

My son is a great talker with a knack for storytelling, so I told him he could do stand-up comedy. My daughter loves cooking, and I think she could be a chef. A top-tier chef is incredible and holds a very high status overseas.

When you keep an incredibly open mind about your children's future, you stop torturing yourself. Let them off the hook, and let yourself off the hook. I think that's the best way.

03. Real Change is "Self-Correction," Not Micromanagement

History has proven that children's positive changes usually come from within. I don't know who deserves the credit for their growth, but it is 100% not me. Not even a little bit.

Take my son, for example. He used to be a terrible eater—he ate very little and was quite skinny. As a parent, you naturally worry: Will he be short? Will he get bullied? But I did absolutely nothing. I bit my tongue. Now? He has grown up tall and powerful, casually flexing his muscles for us, and he eats like a horse.

My daughter used to be constantly glued to her phone while studying, scrolling through social media, completely distracted. At the time, I thought: Good heavens, studying like this, she won't achieve anything in a hundred years. But again, you don't need to say a word. One year, something just clicked, and she became incredibly efficient.

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I don't know how they changed. I call it "self-correction." Give kids the space and time. If they don't fix a bad habit this year, they might next year. If not next year, maybe in five years.

Isn't that how we grew up? I still have plenty of bad habits that I'm slowly trying to self-correct. Since kids are so young, where do we get the arrogance to think, "If I have one serious talk with them, they will change forever"? No one in the history of the world has ever had their destiny altered by a single lecture from someone else. Why would this miracle suddenly apply to a parent lecturing a child?

Therefore, my educational philosophy is simple: Focus on yourself and lead by example. If the kids are positively influenced, great. If not, we simply offer them our blessings.

04. An Ivy League Offer: Thrilled for Her, But It’s Not My Achievement

This year was my daughter's university application season. On the morning she opened her final admissions results—the ultimate moment of truth—her mother and I were standing right beside her.

Before she checked, I thought our chances were slim, maybe 5% to 10%. The day before was Ivy Day, and all the East Coast schools had rejected us. But when she refreshed the website that morning—she was accepted directly into her dream university!

We were ecstatic. It was a true dream-come-true moment. Her mother was absolutely over the moon.

But what I want to share is what happened after that picture-perfect moment. At noon, while my wife and I were walking the dog, she noticed I was quite calm and asked what I was thinking.

I told her: In that split second, I was overwhelmingly happy for our daughter. She wasn't always a top student from day one; she hit her stride later on. I was genuinely thrilled for her. She put in a tremendous amount of effort, had a bit of good luck, and received the right reward. Crossing the threshold of this prestigious university will likely make her life much easier down the road.

However, I was only happy for her. I was not happy for myself. I did not view this as my achievement.

It’s exactly like when a good friend achieves something great—of course, I am thrilled for them, but I would never claim their success as my own credit. Instead, it made me reflect: Look how outstanding my daughter is. At her age, she is many times more accomplished than I was. That means I need to work even harder to be outstanding too!

When kids are little, you feel like they are trying to catch up to you. But suddenly, you realize your daughter is incredibly excellent, and maybe you are the one who needs to catch up to her. I quietly thought to myself: How hard do I need to work, and how vigorously do I need to live, just to earn the right to be good friends with my daughters in the future?

05. The Ultimate Expectation: Let Go and Be Good Friends

I shared this thought with my wife, and three days later, she earnestly told me she finally understood my point. She agreed that we need to live our own lives to the fullest and make our lives vibrant, so we can be an inspiring family.

My ultimate dream for our parent-child relationship is to organically evolve into good friends. When they enter society, we can appreciate and learn from each other. Spanning different fields and different generations, everyone has something to teach.

Under this value system, we believe: a child's achievements are their own, and a child's failures are their own.

Parents are essentially observers. We brought them into this world, and our job is to do our duty and raise them well. If they don't achieve conventional success later in life and decide to blame me, I won't accept the blame. Just like my own life—if I make terrible mistakes, I don't blame my parents; it's my problem.

By the same token, if they achieve incredible things, I will be immensely proud of them, but I will never claim it was all my doing, or jokingly say, "It's all because of my superior genes." Any success they have is overwhelmingly due to their own hard work and luck.

If my kids are ever unhappy, I will deeply sympathize and try my best to help them, but I won't internalize it as my failure. If they turn out exceptionally brilliant, I will bless them like a friend and share in their joy, but I will absolutely never steal their thunder.

This is my foundational attitude towards education. Talking through this has helped me clarify my own thoughts. I hope I can practice what I preach and do even better in the future, and I hope this brings a little inspiration or help to any parents reading. Thank you all.